The Courage To Be Disliked

One of my favorite books to talk about is The Courage To Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. I almost always start a conversation about it with the Adlerian claim "trauma does not exist", which is quite controversial and immediately gets people interested. Of course, this is taken out of context and usually makes sense once explained, but overall it is an interesting book.

#Why it is unique

First of all, it is easy to read and quite short (just under 300 pages), yet it conveys a lot. The format also stands out. It is the first self-improvement book I have read that is written as a conversation between a “master” and a “student”. It makes it more relatable, because you naturally question the statements being made, such as the one mentioned above regarding trauma, which the student also does. It feels like following the script you create in your own head. This approach also makes it natural to return to previous points, just as you would in a real conversation.

#The trauma statement

As usual, the conversation starter needs to be explored. The authors do make a bold statement, but it is not that simple and is best understood by reading the book. They do not deny that experiences and events affect a person later in life. Rather, they propose a way to view and approach those events today.

For example, in the book the student talks about a friend who did not receive love or attention as a child and now cannot step outside without having a panic attack. Conventionally, this is viewed as trauma, but the master argues that this behavior is goal-oriented, rather than caused directly by past events.

The person in question has not consciously chosen to have panic attacks, but through them the person receives attention and care from others. Without the panic attacks, the person is no longer special, and that is scary. It takes courage to step away from that and try to find something else, because it is uncertain. It can be described as a victim mentality, but it is much more subtle. I will return to this later.

It is also important to mention that the authors do not deny suffering or the lasting impact of difficult experiences. Events still affect us today, and people with long-term psychological struggles are valid. The critique is not aimed at the condition itself, but at how suffering can become part of a person’s identity. From the book’s perspective, even real struggles can be used, consciously or not, to avoid change, responsibility, or the uncertainty that comes with healing.

#Philosophy and psychology

For me, this book is also different from other self-improvement books I have read. What most of the others share is that they focus on what you can and should do. They are much more actionable. For example, in Learned Optimism, the focus is on how you should (and should not) think when something good or bad happens to you.

This book, on the other hand, is more like a way of life, a life philosophy. For me, that makes it more approachable and easier to apply.

#Victim mentality

One of the things I learned from the book was to separate victim mentality from what is actually happening. As previously mentioned, events will affect you, but it is about what you allow them to do to you today. What has happened has happened, and we cannot change that, but we can control how it affects us now. This is not about blaming people for what happened to them, but about responsibility for what they do with it today. I know this is cliché, but it is still a good reminder.

This also applies to the people we interact with. It helps us see when people are using their past experiences to be treated in a certain way, to stay the victim, versus those who are genuinely trying to heal and better themselves. I think we can all agree that someone who is actually trying to heal is easier to support and someone we want to keep in our lives, and therefore we should strive to do the same. Of course, realistically we cannot be perfect all the time. We will have moments of weakness, and that is OK.

#Feelings and tools

Another important reminder is that we are not our feelings. In the book, the authors describe a scenario where a mother is scolding her child with a loud, angry voice. Suddenly the phone rings, and she answers with a calm and collected tone, only to raise her voice again once the call is over. This perfectly illustrates how feelings can be used as tools.

We use feelings to gain something, authority, power, guilt, sympathy, etc., and that is not always the right approach. When we identify ourselves with our feelings, it becomes harder to move past them, and they end up having more control over us than we have over them, such as with anger. You are not angry. You are feeling angry.

#People pleasing

Finally, as the title of the book suggests, we are not free if we are not disliked by some people. This is not an invitation to be rude, but rather a reminder not to constantly worry about what others think of us. If you are trying to make five people happy all the time, you will never be happy yourself. You will end up disregarding your own feelings to prioritize theirs.

Therefore, if some people dislike you, that is proof that you are free. Of course, we should not prioritize ourselves all the time, but we should figure out who and what actually matters to us, instead of putting everything and everyone before ourselves every time.

#Key takeaways

To summarize, we should not let past events control us. We control what we do today. It might not be easy or successful all the time, but it is worth reminding ourselves of this. We also have the ability to separate ourselves from our feelings to work through them more effectively. And if some people dislike us, the world will not end.