Attached & Secure love

Two books I didn’t initially see myself reading have since become ones I return to at times. I revisit my notes and connect their ideas to other works: Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, and Secure Love by Julie Menanno. I don’t really label this as “self-improvement”; to me it’s more about understanding. That said, Secure Love does lean more into exercises and practical approaches you’re meant to apply if you want to show up better in relationships.

#Attached

Levine and Heller’s Attached is a book I hadn’t read before picking it up, and it focuses on the attachment patterns you see in relationships. The main emphasis is on romantic relationships, but it also touches on friendships and family. The core idea is simple: some people are secure, some are anxious, and some are avoidant. The book explains how to spot these patterns and why people behave the way they do in certain situations. For example, an avoidant person might withdraw from a conversation because closeness feels unsafe to them based on past experiences.

Secure, anxious, and avoidant are the main patterns the book discusses. Anxious attachment often shows up as constant worry. When someone doesn’t hear from their partner, they jump to worst-case scenarios. They may fear abandonment and only feel calm once they receive reassurance. Avoidant people, on the other hand, can feel overwhelmed by affection and emotional closeness, and their response is often to pull away. Interestingly, these two types often end up in relationships with each other. Secure people are generally comfortable with themselves and their relationships. This is where most people want to be, and even being with someone secure can help move you in that direction.

#Secure love

Menanno’s Secure Love also covers attachment patterns, but it focuses much more on tools and practical application. It is less about labeling and more about what to actually do. How to center yourself when you’re triggered, how to listen without getting defensive, and how to communicate without escalating conflict. Of the two books, this is the one I return to most often. Similar to what I said about Legacy, it won’t revolutionize your life, or in this context, ability to understand people or relationships, but it provides concrete tools and processes that help you approach problems more clearly and with less reactivity.

#Conclusion

I do recommend both books. They can be repetitive and, at times, boring, but they are also genuinely useful. They offer frameworks for understanding why people act the way they do, which makes it easier to approach situations that would otherwise feel confusing or unnecessarily charged.

#Edit (2026-01-31)

One of the key takeaways that I forgot to mention is the “attachment lens”, which can be explained quite simply. When someone does something, like saying something passive aggressive, you can view it as them trying to get your attention. It is easy to get emotional, but instead try to take a moment to relax and view it through an attachment lens. Then you can better understand why they act the way they do.

Of course, this should not be a way for people to behave however they want while you simply tolerate it. It is a fine line to walk, but the goal is to have constructive conversations and stay grounded.